Notes in my drawers, songs in my pockets…
Nothing like root beer floats to make all the
pain go far, far away…
Editor: Interesting, where have you studied?
Peyton: Um, mostly in my bedroom. Is that bad?
all that matters now.
Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh God!
Monica: Chandler’s making his sex face.
(Basically Chandler’s face looks like he’s not all there and is staring off into the distance…)
Ross: (To Chandler) So, you gettin’ tired?
Chandler: Nope! I can do this all day.
Ross: Yeah? Me too. (Pause) Gettin’ a little tired though.
Chandler: God, I’m exhausted.
Ross: Look this is starting to look really bad for me. Okay? Mona, Mona’s standing right over there. (Looks behind him.) Oh God, she’s talking to Joey! You gotta let me win!
Chandler: No way! If anything you’ve gotta let me win! My wife thinks I’m a wimp!
Ross: Hey, at least you have a wife! I-I keep getting divorces and knockin’ people up! And I’m dressed as doody.
Chandler: You’re Spudnik.
Ross: Come on, who are we kidding? I’m doody. Please? She’s watchin’.
Chandler: Fine. (He lets Ross win.) Oh no!
Ross: (celebrating) Oh yeah!
Mona: (clapping) Yay! My hero!
Joey: (to her) You’re a weird lady.
[Cut to Mona and Ross walking past Chandler.]
Chandler: Howdy doody.
Ross: That’s funny. Yeah. Y’know you’re the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.
Chandler: Oh relax man, relax. You’re looking a little flushed.
Joey: (To Monica) Hey-hey-hey, I think we might find out the answer to our question.
Chandler: What question?
Joey: Monica and I were talking about who could kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross?
Chandler: There’s no question.
Joey: So you think Ross too?
(Monica turns around slowly.)
Chandler: (To Monica) You picked Ross?!
Monica: Ross is really strong! Okay, he’s the strongest out of all three of you! (Joey looks at her.) Except for Joey.
Chandler: I cannot believe you didn’t pick me.
Ross: Uh, in her defense, she’s right. I am stronger. I would destroy you.
Chandler: Oh really?! You think you’re stronger? Why don’t you prove it? (He pushes Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona catches him.)
Ross: Oh I’ll prove it! I’ll prove it like a theorem!!
(They start to fight with Ross pulling on Chandler’s ears and Chandler hitting Ross over the head with his carrot.)
Monica: Wait-wait!! Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop! (Breaks it up.) Now listen, no one’s gonna fight in this apartment.
Joey: Hey Monica! (Grabs her and pulls her into the living room.) People came to see a fight, let’s give ‘em what they came for!
Mona: Hey, you guys could arm wrestle.
Joey: Yeah. Listen to the slutty nurse.
Chandler: (To Ross) You’re going down.
Ross: Oh yeah? You’re going further down! Downtown!
Joey: Seriously guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume…
Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him?
Monica: What?! I thought he’d love it! His favorite kid’s book was the Velveteen Rabbit!
Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!
Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: You didn’t dress up either?!
Joey: Yes I did! I’m Chandler. (Looks at Chandler) Dude, what happened?
Chandler: How is that me?
Joey: Okay. I’m Chandler (makes a growling/gurgling sound at the end and the girls laugh.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) That is so you!
Chandler: When have I ever done that?!
Joey: When have I ever done that?! (And does the sound again.)
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! (Opens the door to reveal a ballerina) Well you’re just the prettiest ballerina I’ve ever seen.
Ballerina: Thank you. (Pirouettes.)
Rachel: Oh wow! That deserves another piece of candy.
Ballerina: Thank you. (Does another ballerina move.)
Rachel: Well, I have to say that earns tutu pieces of candy.
Ballerina: I love you! (Hugs Rachel.)
Rachel: Ohh… Oh, honey here. Take it all. (Pours the entire large bowl into her bag and closes the door.) Monica! We need more candy?
Monica: What?! There’s only been like four kids.
Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder your pregnant.
Ross: (entering) Hey! (He’s wearing a costume as well.)
Monica: What are you supposed to be?
Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? (They all look at him.) Well, I’m a potato or a…spud. And these are my antennae. (Points to the colander with an old TV antenna glued on top that he’s wearing.) So Sputnik, becomes… (They’re still confused) Spud-nik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow! I don’t have the worst costume anymore!
Joey: (sees Ross) Hey all right, Ross came as doody.
Ross: No, I-I’m not doody.
Monica: No, space doody!